the loner

the loner wears a hat that has little stars embroidered on its deep blue velvet.
he's shy and quiet. he barely speaks and when he does, he always whispers.
he likes to make tea, to watch the same shows over and over again till he knows them by heart.
he will laugh when hearing a joke a second time around, not because he is polite, but because he really finds it just as funny as the first time.
he reads the same books that he keeps on his nightstand.
he likes to put music on shuffle and then wait to be surprised by the order of the songs, the same songs he has been listening to for years and years and years.
sometimes he hides in my closet, but he never leaves. he lights my candles at night and he loads the washing machine when I don't feel like it.
he likes to sort through things, put them in a different order than they were before.
he doesn't like parties that much, but he will always look for another loner to go talk to.
he's very friendly, actually. we talk sometimes about all sorts of things.
he likes to take pictures and write in his diary that he keeps locked in a golden little box.
despite his repetitive routine, my loner never gets bored. sometimes he doesn't speak to me and he hides in the closet for days, but he never leaves.
he knows I'll always be there for him.

What 2017 has meant to me

Hello my lost friend searching the internet for excitement, welcome to my blog.
In case you just wandered here and you think what the fuck is this, you're welcome to go away, be free, prosper and die.
In case you didn't, well... it's been a long time, glad you're still around to read some of the crazy stuff that goes through my mind. Hope you enjoy it!
So I have been quiet lately, I know. But trust me, I've been crazy busy, running like a tit from left to right, pardon my French.
In the last few weeks, however, I kinda got into this state of thinking about life, pondering things and ruminating around decisions. It just made me realize just how much I've grown since I last posted on my blog and this is what I want to share with you. It's what I've learned in the last few years, so not really all 2017, more like "how I got better at life by sucking at it for a very very long time"
So here goes, what 2017 has meant to me:

• Youtube dive for music is one of the best most rewarding activities I ever conducted. If you don't know what Youtube dive means, it's when you start listening to a song you like and look for recommendations in the right bar and go from one recommendation to another for about 100 times till you find PURE GOLD, MAN. I am not kidding, 50% of the good music I discovered in the last 2-3 years has been found this way. Totally worth it. And yes, I did notice commercial music like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift creeping out through the recommendations on a Cigarettes after Sex video. Don't think that I don't see you try to push crap music that sells to your users, Youtube. You're better than that.
• Next one, I fucking met a TON of nice, fun, amazing people. Some of them I stayed friends with, some of them I didn't, but it was fucking awesome. I actually think that your friends are like a box of chocolate. And let me explain to you why I say that: I am known for not craving or even liking chocolate at times. I know, it sounds like I'm a serial killer, but trust me on this one. There are only a few sortiments of chocolate I actually will not say no to, but I will not have more than one tiny piece. So, to me, friends literally are like a box of chocolate. Sometimes you get strawberry filling (ew!), sometimes you get dark chocolate (meh) and on occasions you get one small piece of caramelized pralines with a touch of pistachio (yeah, babyyyyy). You never know what you get till you try, so this takes me to the next point:
• Always try to have low expectations. Or none whatsoever. Why? It will save you from feeling disappointed or letting other people down. If you plan small, you will have the greatest time of your life when you get to do something that's even a tinsy bit extra. Trust me on this one. Like let me give you one concrete example: I just moved into a small country where everybody speaks a language that I don't. It makes it almost impossible to meet new people. So I plan to not meet people and do some alone time, I go to the swimming pool a lot and I cook almost every day, and I read and spend my time on the couch watching shows (for the hundredth time). And guess what? Every time I get the chance of having a drink with a colleague or see a friend or relative, or have my mom over, I fucking cherish that and I end up having THE BEST TIME. I don't know about them though :D
• Regardless of what it is, if you are good at something and you enjoy it, you go and do that. DO NOT let others tell you that video games are bullshit, that makeup is bad for you or that you should feel ashamed for watching Netflix. OK, if your passion is around drugs or drinking yourself into oblivion, you might need to take a step back and reconsider my advice here. But otherwise, do not listen to others and do not give up on the things that bring you pleasure. For example, I used to be (and still am) very conscious of my bad French. People that have known me for long enough know how afraid I am to speak in French. I'm just really obsessed with how beautiful this language is and how bad I am at it. And I've got a lot of criticism on it from French speakers too (shame on you). And you know what I did? I kept trying and trying and trying. I listened to French radio every day, I still do it. I bought books in French to force myself to read. I terrorized any French person I could find that had the boldness of saying they're ok with helping me out. They all regretted it, but you know what? I got better! Still have a lot to improve, but seeing how far I've come makes me really proud of myself. Shout out to me for being a total kickass at not giving up!
• Ok, last one because this post is getting a bit long. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT ever think you are completely lonely and that nobody loves you. Bullshit. Lots of people care about you, they just don't always have the time or energy to show it. And regardless of other people, YOU should be your own best friend. As long as you like you for you o_O you will always have somebody to rely on. And remember, people are like these amazing fun stops in your train ride through life, but your one and only companion through the entire journey is YOURSELF, so learn to have fun and amaze yourself, because you deserve it. Stop competing with others, stop thinking about the things you want to have or that society is telling you you should have. You go out there and be the best version of yourself every day. And when you don't feel like being your own superhero, don't feel bad. Just take a break, recompose and remember what matters to you.

So yeah. I guess this completes what 2017 has meant to me.
It sure was a fun interesting year and I absolutely loved every minute of it.
If you learned anything in 2017, please don't be afraid to share, we're all here to exchange opinions and spread the LOVE.

Wishing you a marvelous holiday time, don't get too drunk on New Year's Eve and if you do, hope you don't feel hungover the next day!

Hugs,
Alexandra

My inner princess said "Piss off!"

You know that princess locked in a tower of a castle guarded by a dragon.
I think she hired the dragon in the first place.

The dream

I dreamed
I had this disease
I could hear people's thoughts
It wasn't just any people whose thoughts I could hear
It was strangers
Passers by.

Some had strange ideas
Others were depressed
Most of them were worried
About their jobs
Their health
Their families
"Did she cheat on me?" was the thought of a young man wearing a grey suit
"Did she really do it?"

Some would have disturbing ideas
Others would sing songs in their heads
Most of them were boring.

I started looking for people that were in love
They had the happiest thoughts
"Which movie shall I take him to? What would he like to see?"
"I have to think of a nice surprise for her birthday!"
"Can't believe I'm going to propose to her!"
"I wish I could run faster home to give him the great news!"

The only problem I had
Was that people who fell in love
Could also fall out of love
But I learned soon enough to look for fresh couples
They were everywhere in parks, restaurants,
Walking in the rain
Spending the nights under the stars
Soon enough I knew all the places where to search for them
And then I saw him

Looking at me
"The light is blind
And pointless on the sun;
So, in search for purpose
It roams from star to star
And finally finds its shelter
In my love's hair"
That was
The first thought
And only one I could actually hear

He shouted his name at me
And my ears were filled with pleasure
For I could taste the sweet air around me
And him
And feel

Like I was protected
His touch made me feel
Like I was wearing a summer dress
Made of light

I told him about my disease
And he closed his eyes
He told me the light was too bright
And was hurting his eyes
I had a shiver crossing through my body

And he never spoke to me again
Instead he would speak to everyone else
About me
And my disease

Soon
They got me
They closed me
They told me
They would treat me
For I was sick
And I need to get better

"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
"We don't know yet, it's better that you rest."
"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
But the doctors were silent
And so were the nurses and the rest of the patients
Silent
For I couldn't hear their thoughts anymore
From all the storm of thoughts in me

Then I woke up from my dream
And he was next to me
Smiling at me
And it was
The first time
I didn't want to know what he was thinking.