The dream

I dreamed
I had this disease
I could hear people's thoughts
It wasn't just any people whose thoughts I could hear
It was strangers
Passers by.

Some had strange ideas
Others were depressed
Most of them were worried
About their jobs
Their health
Their families
"Did she cheat on me?" was the thought of a young man wearing a grey suit
"Did she really do it?"

Some would have disturbing ideas
Others would sing songs in their heads
Most of them were boring.

I started looking for people that were in love
They had the happiest thoughts
"Which movie shall I take him to? What would he like to see?"
"I have to think of a nice surprise for her birthday!"
"Can't believe I'm going to propose to her!"
"I wish I could run faster home to give him the great news!"

The only problem I had
Was that people who fell in love
Could also fall out of love
But I learned soon enough to look for fresh couples
They were everywhere in parks, restaurants,
Walking in the rain
Spending the nights under the stars
Soon enough I knew all the places where to search for them
And then I saw him

Looking at me
"The light is blind
And pointless on the sun;
So, in search for purpose
It roams from star to star
And finally finds its shelter
In my love's hair"
That was
The first thought
And only one I could actually hear

He shouted his name at me
And my ears were filled with pleasure
For I could taste the sweet air around me
And him
And feel

Like I was protected
His touch made me feel
Like I was wearing a summer dress
Made of light

I told him about my disease
And he closed his eyes
He told me the light was too bright
And was hurting his eyes
I had a shiver crossing through my body

And he never spoke to me again
Instead he would speak to everyone else
About me
And my disease

Soon
They got me
They closed me
They told me
They would treat me
For I was sick
And I need to get better

"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
"We don't know yet, it's better that you rest."
"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
But the doctors were silent
And so were the nurses and the rest of the patients
Silent
For I couldn't hear their thoughts anymore
From all the storm of thoughts in me

Then I woke up from my dream
And he was next to me
Smiling at me
And it was
The first time
I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

Special needs

I don't need the light
I don't need the night;
I don't know if I want tomorrow to come.
the sun is just a ghost,
a shade of golden white on a gray sky, suffocating the dawn.
I don't even need the sky
I don't need the entire planet;
I don't know if I really need a country.
my house is a shadow of tangled colors, all disintegrating at the same time.
I need my room
I need me;
I know I want you.
You are light enough.

Hazy

Sometimes I have to change my words into a whisper to be able to say things right.
As if the pitch of my voice could be proportional in any way to effect of their meaning.
Like an earthquake trembling from my soul to yours.

So I let the words just slowly brush my lips
And my hands, they hardly touch your fragile surface
And I'm afraid to even stare into your eyes; even the thought of it makes my heart turn to stone

So I just watch you through black eye lashes
Through salty rivers
Through a house of cards only a touch of wind could shatter.

And you know.
You always knew.
What wild winds exist in me.
A cold winter has awaken and nothing but its own fierceness can stop it from unleashing its countless dead and frozen limbs.

Don't let the intensity of myself embrace you.
Make my fury elude you.
You know there is fervor and depth in my love that could crush the world.

Let me be tired and obscured.
Because keeping me hazy will keep us alive.

Needy poem

I used to be the band-aid that covered your wounds.

that ignored your issues and smiled to you despite them.

that listened to your problems and then tell you it's all going to be fine.

that carried your load when you couldn't.

I used to be your hideaway, that's what you called me.

your perfect friend that would never let you down.

your clown on a rainy day.

your secret passion.

I used to be used.

like a medicine.

like a drug.

like a second soul that took in all the grief, and pain and suffering for you.

I used to think it's okay.

Go on, light me up again, pour me into your veins.

Hide with me, color me in shades of night and don't ever let anybody ever find me.

Let me stop your bleeding and turn your wounds into scars and your scars into memories that fade. 

Memories that fade.

Like I do.

Close your eyes. I never existed.

I never deserved to exist.

Some drugs don't deserve to be illegal.

Some hideaways don't deserve to be secluded.

And I'm pretty sure, even though I don't exist,

that not all band-aids deserve to be ripped.

Cryptic-wannabe-poem about how I desperately loved you and still do.

I have't listened to this song in so long
it doesn't even remind me of you anymore
it just reminds me of it reminding me of you
which is kind of saying that it reminds me of you
somehow.

Time has past
and I'm the same girl
same reckless child
that loves colors, and dreams and friends
somehow.

And my smile is still dancing on my face;
still have the same front teeth that look like a little ribbon,
like you used to always say
when we were laughing and walking and dancing and drinking together
always.

This song takes me back to the mountains
to the beautiful perfume of nature, savage and free
as we are;
as the reflection of us is, wondering the blue skies and green peaks
always.

And yet it's just a simple, out-of-key-song
Almost naked of substance
Stupid in its construction
Almost as my love for you;
For I do love you.
somehow.
always.

closure

I hate it.
and I hate me more
when I don't love
you
you
you had to go
there was no more space
in my heart for
you
you
you cluttered my veins
stumbled on my defenses
broke through my lines of attack
tasted the cinder and smoke
of the most terrible war
I started for
you
you
you take so little
when you deserve so much more
so please, darling
take my hand
my lips
burn them
and take what you will
in the fire of
you.

burned rhyme

my shadows are all gone

I have a bow painted on my nail
And a steel cage on my heart

There's nobody awake in my building
All lights are out
Only bats scrape the black sky

Ashes
Ashes on my hand
on my soul
on you
all of you
Ashes on my kiss for you
slowly burning
till you're gone

my window is open
my dreams are misty
but tomorrow appears to be a bright-sky day

the sun will shine
the sun will break the clouds
and shatter all shadows

but my shadows are all gone,
dancing in some distant world,
circling with sheer happiness
with pure sorrow
and all consuming hopes and fires

all my shadows are gone
only numbness remains
and things I've lost in the fire.

things that take 3 minutes

my favourite song on the AM album
a good cigarette
the intense happiness of seeing somebody dear after a long time
the perfect cup of tea
getting out of bed and washing your face with water cold as ice
the fervid moments from collapsing into climax and finally catching your breath
the guilty pleasure of procrastination after getting out of shower,
deciding that you'd rather surf the web instead of getting dressed right away
the perfect phone conversation from workplace to the subway
the hug I entangle you when I haven't seen you in quite some time
write this and still have a 1 minute and a half to think about you, about the world and how I've lost focus for just a second. there, I'm lost.
but I know I've been lost before and found my way back somehow.

never thought

Yann Tiersen - Comptine d'un autre ete l'apres midi

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Never thought that I would leave
never thought that I would lean
over
you
never thought that I would breathe
never saw what you have seen
in
me
Never thought I'd never see
The rain pouring down on me
And
You
Never thought and never will
Never stopped to take my pill
never thought
never stopped
To see
You and me
On the bus
Smiling
You and me... Us.

PS - Sometimes I miss you. But I'm a brave good girl and never call. Please be good where you are :)

Adeseori m-am întrebat

... cine face pe clovn să râdă?
Cine îi spune glume?
Cine face giumbușlucuri și tumbe?
Cine inventează jocuri și scenete vesele pentru el?
Cine îi spune că e bine să plângi?
Așa cum el aleargă,
cum se dă peste cap
și face năzbâtiile toate,
așa cum știe și cum poate
ar trebui în lume a fi
măcar unul din copii
să se ridice din mulțime
să se apropie cu pași mărunți dar siguri
să îi atingă obrazul
să-i șteargă fardul negru și întins
să pună o mână mică pe umărul lui împovărat de tristețe
și să încerce să-l aline:
zâmbește, va fi bine!

Nu draga mea, să știi că nu e chiar așa. Viața nu-i o simplă comedie.

să zâmbim când ne e teamă

iubesc
parfumul viscolului
doina românului
farfuriile mici, pictate cu flori
razele de soare printre nori
pătura albastră, cu margarete
serile ca între fete
broşa veche a bunicii
şi botoşii, şi cipicii
ciocolata cu nuci şi miere
plăcinta mamei cu mere
faptele cu iz cald de bine
părul ud, parfumat cu tine...

plec pentru un timp scurt. unde, nici eu nu ştiu... important este...



să nu îţi fie prea dor de mine.

deep inside a woman's heart

there's a faith so strong it could make the world crumble
there's passion so intense it could make the sky tremble
there's love enough to warm every heart
there's light of hope in every part
of her tiny dreams
that rhymes
with a flame
ashamed
to burn
your name...
deep inside a woman's heart
there's so much more than blood...

ce mireasmă e-n aer...

o pâine proaspăt scoasă din cuptor,
pielea bebelușilor,
niște cearceafuri curate,
cafea proaspătă, cu lapte,
fânul crud, proaspăt cosit,
beciul vechi și prăfuit,
ploaia dintr-o zi de joi,
cărți vechi, chiar și cărți noi
și creioane colorate.
dacă le adun pe toate
în parfumul dimineții
aș găsi aroma vieții[mele]

Ce miros are viața ta?

Awake

One of these nights
I'm going to take my phone
and dial your number
I'll wait for the tone
my breath will hold until I hear the first ring
as if it'll stop forever in this instant.
I will close my eyes
And as the phone rings in desperate cries
I will picture you shivering, while pressing the answer button
And as your voice reaches my ears, it touches me inside
it scratches my heart and drives me crazy
I'll open my mouth and in a sharp voice
I'll say:
I wish that without me you'll be spending the rest of your nights awake.
You'll sigh and then press the button to silence
the one way to complete isolation
you'll close your eyes
but no sleep will caress your skin
and that's how it's going to be
this night, the night after
that's how it felt the night before
and you no longer feel you have to fight it
covered by muteness
as a picture with lines so spread
you cannot tell them apart
that's how you'll be
that's how I am
awake.

A reason to breathe

A reason to smile
is not your smile
but flip-flop Friday with Boschi
A reason to dance in joy
is not you dancing with me
but Dana, jumping in a room of crowded people;
A reason to sing
is not your voice
but Cati, playing her guitar with passion;
A reason to laugh in tears
is not the tear you shed the day I left
but Papi, laughing, while pointing at me.
A reason to be happy
is not your happiness,
but my friends, all around me.
You're still the only light
But suddenly it's a bright new day in my life.
You're still the only colour
But a rainbow will rise from the souls of those that love me
A reason to breathe
is not you
is cause I have to.




ps - daca am greseli, sa-mi spuneti, caci am scris asta in 5 minute si a trebuit sa plec, e ziua Danei, yay :)

cuvinte potrivite

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dac-aș găsi cuvinte potrivite-n care
să așez tot ce simt, aș înnebuni,
o frumusețe crudă nu e-n stare
să stea pe limba-mi plină de minciuni.

mă jur pe buze de păcătos
că nu cred în tot ce simt
sufletu-mi știrb, de tine stors,
chircit în clinchet de argint,
dac-ar avea destulă credință
în sentimentele necunoscute,
ar rătăci prin a ta ființă
și-ntr-un sărut de buze mute
ar ucide chinul aripilor tale,
ar respira din binecuvântata
clipă de petale
în care l-ai învălui în alintata
atingere a genelor tale fine
căci la ce bun să-mi fie aerul din plămâni,
când m-aș pierde etern în tine?
uitate clipe, zile, săptămâni
cântă furtuna emoțiilor care
îmi fac pieptul, apus de convulsii,
prins în cruda-ncarcerare
a celei mai adânci și dulci depresii,
colivia celor necunoscute.
spune-mi că vei rămâne,
sau nu, mai bine, du-te
în brațe reci când soarele apune.

oamenii mă vor minți
și-n minciunile lor
mai vie mă voi simți
decât în albul vis al brațelor
care-mi va fi ultimul suflu de aer,
ultima sclipire din suflet,
ultimul nesăbuit adulter,
ultimul drum fără bilet,
ultimul crud adevăr,
iubirea, ura și moartea mea.
ce cântec de curvar
obișnuit să bea
din sufletu-mi frânt
ce chinuri îmi va da?
ce lacrimi să mai cânt?

pe întunericul minciunilor
ce mi le învârte conștiința
prin irisul fript al ochilor
pe vânătăile acestea,
pe degetele mușcate de frig
jur că nu cred în ce simt.
așa-mi vine să strig
dar eu cred și mă mint.

schimbi totul în mine
jocul de-a inocenta
motive de rușine,
femeia și adolescenta,
copila și paiața,
mizeria neputinței mele
și viața
ce-mi curge-acum în rimele
scrise-adânc în vene
curge în picături roșu-aprins,
curge amar și-alene
și chinuri verzi mi s-au prelins
în trista-mi colivie.
sufăr, să știu că-s umană
sângerez, să știu că-s vie...
ucid, să știu că-s mamă,
mă-nchin, să știu că sunt icoană,
sărut, să știu că-s cheie,
alin, să știu că-s rană,
rănesc, să știu că sunt femeie...

cel mai frumos sărut

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ai vânătăi pe genunchi
îi zic, oftând din rărunchi
și țigarea ți s-a stins
sau o fi fost din-adins
n-o mai aprinde-acum
nu mai face-aici fum
suntem la spital, tâmpito
nu mă mai privi așa
într-o doară
mai bine dă-mi niște supă strecurată
și spune-mi de țeava înfundată
de acasă
nu plânge, n-am murit
știi doar că sunt tâmpit
cum ies de aici îmi iau alt motor
vreau pe străzi din nou să zbor
nu plânge, ce dacă sunt desfigurat acum
doar că mi-e rău de la fum
taci, proasto, și-ascultă
nu mai plânge ca o tută
într-o săptămână ies de-aici, chiar și-n scaun cu rotile
n-am nevoie de injecții, perfuzii sau pastile
vreau tărie să suport surorile
blonde și amabile
care nu-mi găsesc vena
ea stinse țigarea de tot
și-mi dădu un strop de antidot:
luă o mușcătură din cheeseburger
într-un mod total nealimentar
mestecă ușor, pe-ndelete
cu-o bizară blândețe
și mi-o duse la gură, zâmbind
nimeni, niciodată
nicio altă fată
doar mama a putut atât de bine
să facă așa ceva pentru mine.

pastramă de inimă, yum

Mereu mă chinui în zadar
când îmi faci inima foc,
cu petice mov s-o repar;
senin, tu mi-o frângi la loc.

Și e toată sfărâmată,
parc-ar fi bătută-n cap,
căci de fiecare dată
stă și arde la proțap.


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Noapte bună

E noapte și frigiderul huruie
cred că moare
Paharul tău e murdar și n-am chef să-l spăl...
e răcoare
și tu ai adormit
visezi oare?
închid fereastra și mă-ntind
dar n-am stare.
Și te privesc cum dormi,
înger decăzut
și-aș vrea chipul senin
să-l sărut
dar e noapte și frigiderul huruie...
sunt pierdut
căci huruitul lui hectic
de rebut
m-a trezit... și-acum stau
în pat, ciufut
căci mi-am amintit
c-ai plecat
și-ai uitat
suc acidulat
în paharul nespălat...

Iar am scris ca un ciclop. adică având un ochi deschis și unul închis de somn și-oboseală. nu știu de ce am simțit nevoia să scriu ceva, poate pentru că sunt liniștită și mă simt... împăcată cu cei din jur, cu gândurile și emoțiile mele.
Mi-e somn. miesomnmiesomnmiesomn.
Mâine, proiect urbanism.
Mâine, ceai cu Cristina.
Mâine, work.
Mâine, Evarză... mâine. pardon, azi.

poem

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you forgot your cup of tea...
the sigle thing
you forgot.
it smiled to me
this morning;
time stopped.
you forgot your cup of tea
and it helds a little sea.
it might just be the last thing
your lips touched this lovely spring.
can’t believe you forgot,
i feel i’m a blind spot
as it smiles again to me...
you forgot your cup of tea...