What 2017 has meant to me

Hello my lost friend searching the internet for excitement, welcome to my blog.
In case you just wandered here and you think what the fuck is this, you're welcome to go away, be free, prosper and die.
In case you didn't, well... it's been a long time, glad you're still around to read some of the crazy stuff that goes through my mind. Hope you enjoy it!
So I have been quiet lately, I know. But trust me, I've been crazy busy, running like a tit from left to right, pardon my French.
In the last few weeks, however, I kinda got into this state of thinking about life, pondering things and ruminating around decisions. It just made me realize just how much I've grown since I last posted on my blog and this is what I want to share with you. It's what I've learned in the last few years, so not really all 2017, more like "how I got better at life by sucking at it for a very very long time"
So here goes, what 2017 has meant to me:

• Youtube dive for music is one of the best most rewarding activities I ever conducted. If you don't know what Youtube dive means, it's when you start listening to a song you like and look for recommendations in the right bar and go from one recommendation to another for about 100 times till you find PURE GOLD, MAN. I am not kidding, 50% of the good music I discovered in the last 2-3 years has been found this way. Totally worth it. And yes, I did notice commercial music like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift creeping out through the recommendations on a Cigarettes after Sex video. Don't think that I don't see you try to push crap music that sells to your users, Youtube. You're better than that.
• Next one, I fucking met a TON of nice, fun, amazing people. Some of them I stayed friends with, some of them I didn't, but it was fucking awesome. I actually think that your friends are like a box of chocolate. And let me explain to you why I say that: I am known for not craving or even liking chocolate at times. I know, it sounds like I'm a serial killer, but trust me on this one. There are only a few sortiments of chocolate I actually will not say no to, but I will not have more than one tiny piece. So, to me, friends literally are like a box of chocolate. Sometimes you get strawberry filling (ew!), sometimes you get dark chocolate (meh) and on occasions you get one small piece of caramelized pralines with a touch of pistachio (yeah, babyyyyy). You never know what you get till you try, so this takes me to the next point:
• Always try to have low expectations. Or none whatsoever. Why? It will save you from feeling disappointed or letting other people down. If you plan small, you will have the greatest time of your life when you get to do something that's even a tinsy bit extra. Trust me on this one. Like let me give you one concrete example: I just moved into a small country where everybody speaks a language that I don't. It makes it almost impossible to meet new people. So I plan to not meet people and do some alone time, I go to the swimming pool a lot and I cook almost every day, and I read and spend my time on the couch watching shows (for the hundredth time). And guess what? Every time I get the chance of having a drink with a colleague or see a friend or relative, or have my mom over, I fucking cherish that and I end up having THE BEST TIME. I don't know about them though :D
• Regardless of what it is, if you are good at something and you enjoy it, you go and do that. DO NOT let others tell you that video games are bullshit, that makeup is bad for you or that you should feel ashamed for watching Netflix. OK, if your passion is around drugs or drinking yourself into oblivion, you might need to take a step back and reconsider my advice here. But otherwise, do not listen to others and do not give up on the things that bring you pleasure. For example, I used to be (and still am) very conscious of my bad French. People that have known me for long enough know how afraid I am to speak in French. I'm just really obsessed with how beautiful this language is and how bad I am at it. And I've got a lot of criticism on it from French speakers too (shame on you). And you know what I did? I kept trying and trying and trying. I listened to French radio every day, I still do it. I bought books in French to force myself to read. I terrorized any French person I could find that had the boldness of saying they're ok with helping me out. They all regretted it, but you know what? I got better! Still have a lot to improve, but seeing how far I've come makes me really proud of myself. Shout out to me for being a total kickass at not giving up!
• Ok, last one because this post is getting a bit long. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT ever think you are completely lonely and that nobody loves you. Bullshit. Lots of people care about you, they just don't always have the time or energy to show it. And regardless of other people, YOU should be your own best friend. As long as you like you for you o_O you will always have somebody to rely on. And remember, people are like these amazing fun stops in your train ride through life, but your one and only companion through the entire journey is YOURSELF, so learn to have fun and amaze yourself, because you deserve it. Stop competing with others, stop thinking about the things you want to have or that society is telling you you should have. You go out there and be the best version of yourself every day. And when you don't feel like being your own superhero, don't feel bad. Just take a break, recompose and remember what matters to you.

So yeah. I guess this completes what 2017 has meant to me.
It sure was a fun interesting year and I absolutely loved every minute of it.
If you learned anything in 2017, please don't be afraid to share, we're all here to exchange opinions and spread the LOVE.

Wishing you a marvelous holiday time, don't get too drunk on New Year's Eve and if you do, hope you don't feel hungover the next day!

Hugs,
Alexandra

My inner princess said "Piss off!"

You know that princess locked in a tower of a castle guarded by a dragon.
I think she hired the dragon in the first place.

The dream

I dreamed
I had this disease
I could hear people's thoughts
It wasn't just any people whose thoughts I could hear
It was strangers
Passers by.

Some had strange ideas
Others were depressed
Most of them were worried
About their jobs
Their health
Their families
"Did she cheat on me?" was the thought of a young man wearing a grey suit
"Did she really do it?"

Some would have disturbing ideas
Others would sing songs in their heads
Most of them were boring.

I started looking for people that were in love
They had the happiest thoughts
"Which movie shall I take him to? What would he like to see?"
"I have to think of a nice surprise for her birthday!"
"Can't believe I'm going to propose to her!"
"I wish I could run faster home to give him the great news!"

The only problem I had
Was that people who fell in love
Could also fall out of love
But I learned soon enough to look for fresh couples
They were everywhere in parks, restaurants,
Walking in the rain
Spending the nights under the stars
Soon enough I knew all the places where to search for them
And then I saw him

Looking at me
"The light is blind
And pointless on the sun;
So, in search for purpose
It roams from star to star
And finally finds its shelter
In my love's hair"
That was
The first thought
And only one I could actually hear

He shouted his name at me
And my ears were filled with pleasure
For I could taste the sweet air around me
And him
And feel

Like I was protected
His touch made me feel
Like I was wearing a summer dress
Made of light

I told him about my disease
And he closed his eyes
He told me the light was too bright
And was hurting his eyes
I had a shiver crossing through my body

And he never spoke to me again
Instead he would speak to everyone else
About me
And my disease

Soon
They got me
They closed me
They told me
They would treat me
For I was sick
And I need to get better

"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
"We don't know yet, it's better that you rest."
"Doctor, will I ever love again?"
But the doctors were silent
And so were the nurses and the rest of the patients
Silent
For I couldn't hear their thoughts anymore
From all the storm of thoughts in me

Then I woke up from my dream
And he was next to me
Smiling at me
And it was
The first time
I didn't want to know what he was thinking.

Despre Dire Straits și căpșunele din curtea bunicii

E mai și în curtea bunicii sigur căpșunele se coc.
În fiecare an căpșunele erau culese cu grijă de-o fată cu părul lung și negru. Le spăla în două ape și apoi le punea pe o farfurie, își lua o carte și o pătură și dispărea pe după crini în grădină.
După o vreme bunica o găsea tolănită la soare, adormită cu cartea în mână.


Dire Straits a purtat mereu un loc special în sufletul meu, le fel ca și Sigur Ros, Pasărea Colibri și Vama Veche. Și Edith Piaf. Dar să ne întoarcem la Dire Straits. Muzica lor mă face să simt miros de drum de țară, de flori de câmp, de struguri copți și apă rece de fântână. Mă imaginez mergând pe drumul către câmp în satul natal al mamei. Pentru mine nu există nimic mai fascinant încă în lume ca peticul de pământ unde mi-am petrecut copilăria, unde grijile dispăreau, iar bunica ne făcea mereu clătite când o rugam frumos. Iar Dire Straits îmi cântă despre dansuri pe dealul ce ducea spre canal, printre salcâmii tineri plantați de tătăițu' și pe cele 3 dale de piatră ce stau și acum la intrarea în curtea cu gard alb, boltită cu viță de vie și presărată cu ghiocei și lalele primăvara, cu crini vara, cu crizanteme toamna și zăpadă de 2 metri iarna.


E mai... iar căpșunele se coc, dar nu mai nimeni să le culeagă. Iar părul fetei nu mai e lung. Iar bunica a și uitat că are căpșune.

Angels in Purgatory

- Heaven has angels. Hell has devils. Then who would you say keeps an eye on Purgatory?
She looked at me for a few seconds and then frowned, and then ran her index finger over her lips.
- I guess it would be retired angels.
- Retired angels?
Her eyebrows frown a little more.
- Retired angels. Don't you think there's some that get really tired with all the running around taking care of people? I know I would be. I can hardly take care of myself, imagine if I had to take care of an entire city.
- But you're not an angel.
She softly kicks me with her left foot.
- You don't know that. I might be an angel in disguise.
She sticks her tongue out and makes that face I adore.
- So how would you say a typical day of an angel goes?
- Pfuuuu, I guess it depends on who they have to take care of!
- I take it your angel is always busy with keeping you from running the car into trees or burning down the house?
Space between her eyebrows gets dangerously narrow.
- You know, this story is actually interesting. Angels in Purgatory. I can imagine them to be old Angels that have seen it all and got bored with being Angels.
- How can one get bored with being an Angel? They have eternal life, they can speak to God, they have redeemed themselves and they have wings!
She smiles at me and puts a finger on my lips.
- It's easy, can't you see it? Angels in Purgatory want to be humans again!
- Why would you want to be human again?
- So that you can dream and suffer and hope, why not? I'd like to be a human forever.
I smile and I take her in my arms.
- How can you be human when you're my angel?
- I found a way out of Purgatory!

The story of Min and how I learned to stop shouting - part |||

... find a way of expressing the feeling of warm softness in his heart. He couldn't find the right explanation for it, he just felt like he was soft as a feather and could fly over the countries, over the rivers and seas he found in his way.
After a few days of wandering around, he decided to set camp next to a small village and rest for one day and then start his mission again. He realized he will have to renew his water supplies, so he went into the village. But what he found there scared him.
Everybody was gone. There was little sign the village was inhabited, except for the fact that the streets were clean, the houses looked well maintained and the well was in perfect use.
Just when he decided that it's better to leave, he saw an old man walking down the street. He watched the old man as he walked passed him as if he was a statue. The village was probably miles away from any other one, so seeing a foreigner in these parts would have been a... noticeable event.
As he stared at the old man getting smaller in the distance, he realized that there's somebody else coming. A woman. This time she was walking towards him. She came with a sure step and started getting water out from the well. She didn't salute or make any kind of gesture that would acknowledge his presence there.
Min felt very weird. Silencers were usually very polite to each other and a great deal was given to greeting people, even the ones you didn't know.
To his surprise the woman drifted away with one bucket of water that she was spilling everywhere. She wasn't really paying attention to that, as if she was daydreaming. At one point, she actually tripped over a rock in the middle of the road and the bucket went upside down.
As he was contemplating the entire scene, Min couldn't help but notice that the woman wasn't really in a hurry to pick everything up and get back home. She sat there for a while, calmly touching the ground around her. It was that moment that Min realized something was off. She wasn't patting the ground, she was looking for something. The woman was blind.
He immediately started walking in her direction and he saw her turn her face in his direction. She strangely opened her mouth and closed it for a few times. She pulled back when she felt Min's steps getting closer and got up to her feet.
Min wasn't sure what to do. He just sat there and watched her.
After a few seconds, the woman started running in the opposite direction and even if Min thought like it was a shame she left her bucket there, he also felt strangely relieved.
He turned around to find himself faced to the old man.
The old man smiled. He had a piece of paper in his hand. There was something written on it. It was...

Dilema zilei

Visez la o lume a mea, în care nu trebuie să mă trezesc în fiecare zi la 7, în care nu mă grăbesc să ajung la muncă în timp ce-mi sorb cafeaua dintr-un termos, în care scaunele de la birou nu sunt inconfortabile, în care calculatoarele nu dau greș și nu au nevoie de upgrade-uri, o lume în care totul se întâmplă în acum și nu mâine, peste o săptămână, peste o lună sau peste un an. O lume în care atunci când plouă oamenii sunt fericiți și se oferă să-ți prepare ceai și biscuiți.
Biroul te face să îți pierzi culorile dimineața, iar până la ora de plecare ești deja o schiță în creion. Biroul te obligă la dietă zilnică de mail, ecommerce, sales, ședințe și business.
Biroul te face femeie din copil, îți pune costum și cămașă călcată în loc de tricouri colorate cu AC/DC, Nirvana, Winnie the Pooh. Te îndoapă cu ceas și pantofi și tone de make-up cât mai natural. Te face să râzi mai rar și mai rezervat. Alexandra, reminder: comportă-te ca o profesionistă.
Alexandra înainte de birou avea 20 de ani, purta eșarfe colorate, se îndrăgostea nebunește și suferea ca proasta după fiecare bou, purta bocanci de munte, scria poezii răsuflate, respira libertate și era tristă câte o oră pe zi pentru că realiza că există multe, multe, multe probleme în lume pe care nu le poate rezolva.
Alexandra din birou are 29 de ani, are un desk mic și două monitoare, poartă tocuri ortopedice (că are probleme cu spatele), fuste mulate, scrie în jur de 100 mailuri pe zi din care 50 sunt forward-uri, are 4 conferințe pe zi, organizează meeting-uri și spune cuvinte precum color accuracy, device manager, TMP module, operating system, IP67 și hot swappable, totul ca să apară în rapoarte de shipment la sfârșit de lună cu cifre de milioane de dolari.
Și totuși, când face pivoți și calculează rate de YoY growth, Alexandra visează că e beată în Vamă și dansează pe plajă, că mănâncă pateu cu ceapă în Trascău și culege căpșuni din grădina bunicii. Și când intră în câte o cameră de hotel de 4 stele începe să râdă și să spună cu voce tare printre hohote "uite unde a ajuns țăranca de la Ștefan cel Mare" (inside joke, sorry), când are o audio-conferință cu IT Manager-ul dintr-o companie de engineering mestecă gumă mentolată și face baloane, iar în loc să răspundă la escaladarea aia importantă care ne-ar putea costa contracte de milioane de euro, Alexandra se duce-n parc cu o carte a vreunui autor francez obscur ca să uite și să deconecteze și să-și lase subconștientul să rezolve problemele. Pe drumul de întoarcere la birou subconștientul bate la ușa conștientului și uite-așa totul se termină cu bine.
Când Alexandra a început această postare era necăjită și credea că și-a uitat visele, dar a realizat că se înşală și că de fapt și-a reciclat visele și ele sunt încă acolo. Alexandra rezolvă 99% din dilemele pe care le are pe drumul de întoarcere și în timp ce scrie sau se vaită despre ele.

Packing myself

As I pack my bag for the first time this year, I realize how many things I leave behind.
There's costumes of an Indian princess, a Bavarian girl living in the mountains, a 60s gal, there's cards, notes and old remains of the games we used to play, all the books I've read, all the books I wanted to read, photos, weird souvenirs and gifts, shoeboxes of my old diaries, theatre and concert tickets, old gadgets I really should throw away, guitars and so many bags I could fit all my stuff in them.
Back then, I would go to a costume party and dress up in the bathroom of Springtime because I'd be running from work to school and then to an unhealthy dinner with a friend.
Back then, I'd get nice birthday cards I'd frame and put on the wall. I've actually found some Christmas cards I forgot to deliver to some of my friends.
Each time we wanted to watch a movie together we'd make small pieces of paper and write the names so that we all get a chance to pick the movie.
Books were my only treasure and I'd feel like a king if I could afford the luxury of spending the last of my pocket money on them.
I've never been a fan of photos, but I seem to appear in a lot of them. I even have one painting of myself.
2 years ago I got a dragon sculpture from a friend because I am Khaleesi. I love that present because it's weird, it's lovely and it has a cool blue light when you plug it in. Yes, my friend, this sculpture can be plugged in. Deal with it.
Back then, I'd write on scrapbooks and notebooks in a small writing that's now spreading from page to page because of the low quality pen I was using, making it impossible to read.
Remember when we fell from a boat and I got my Kindle and phone soaking wet? I kept those 2. I'll probably throw one away because the other is sufficient to remind me about this one.
Now I don't need so many things. I go to parties as myself, I no longer need any costume. I no longer get so many cards and if I do, I don't frame them anymore. It's because people tend to fade away once their writing has been framed. I watch movies alone most of the time, mostly because I can't stand it when people ask me about the plot instead of actually following it. I no longer buy so many books because I have a subscription to all the public libraries in Catalonia. I've learned to appreciate photos, but I still don't take a lot of them. I hereby thank my friends for taking a shitload of photos and sending them to me.
I'm sad I'm leaving again, I'm happy I know what awaits me. Now I am sure my heart cannot be still.
Now I am sure I'll never follow crazy dreams again. I'll just be happy with normality and every time I'll miss being a loveable idealist I'll open one of the shoeboxes I have and remember the times when I used to be one. And my heart will be as young as it is beautiful.